By KHALILA NICOLLS

A few weeks ago I attended a forum “Because We Have Mothers, Sisters and Daughters - a Forum on Men Stopping Violence”, organised by the Bureau of Women’s Affairs in partnership with the US Embassy, the Bahamas Crisis Centre and the Caribbean Male Action Network (CariMAN) Bahamas. A woman in the audience, who seemed exacerbated by the scope of the problem, stood up during the question and answer section and delivered an impassioned speech about the many people who “talk” about ending violence. At the end of her monologue, she asked a simple question: Are we serious?

Of the four panellists, who she directed her question toward, only one answered. Perhaps because the question seemed rhetorical.

The frank answer was no. It seemed to have deflated the room, but it was an appropriate and important response, for we must not hide from the fact that as a society our systems of accountability are failing us at every level, from the family to the community to the state. And collectively, we are to blame.

Certainly, there are individuals who are very serious about ending violence against women, but the vast majority of society is indifferent to the point of being complicit. Ulester Douglas, director of the US-based Men Stopping Violence organisation and guest speaker at the forum, distilled the reasons why men choose to violate women down to three points: They can, it works and that is what they are taught. Every one who is indifferent to the issue is complicit in reinforcing all three points.

Most abusive men get away with it. At the rhetorical level they are confronted with damning messages, which are easily dismissed, but otherwise there are no real consequences to send the message that abusive behaviour is not acceptable. Only 5% of men who batter women in the US end up with any intervention, which means the vast majority of men who batter women are existing normally with the society.

“It is not my business to intervene if I know a man is being violent against women: That unwritten cellular code is causing a serious problem,” said Dr Douglas. We generally leave it to the state - a system that has proven its ineffectiveness time and time again - to intervene, because it removes the personal responsibility of individuals within a community to act.

For similar reasons, if we see a woman “surviving”, whether because endures the abuse as a symbol of her strength or has become a participate in the violence, we are satisfied in determining “that’s not my business”. If it is indeed true that men violate women because they can, the problem will continue to be with us in the absence of systems of accountability within our families and communities, both of which require responses at the individual level across the board.

The second reason for the violence, according to Dr Douglas’ research, is that men perceive it as working effectively. Certainly, this is not a hard concept to understand. For centuries, violence has been used as a method of control and as an expression of power, whether by states or religious institutions. It is a tried and true mechanism to exert power and control. But Dr Robin Roberts, president of the Bahamas branch of CariMAN, suggests a brief look at the macro picture will invoke the question, is it really working?

Dr Roberts presented a public health perspective at the forum. “The problem has reached such levels, such proportions, it is costing us in terms of lost lives, social well being, mental health. All I am seeing (at the hospital) is people dying and families being destroyed, young men being put out to pasture,” he said.

“Trace what happens to a young lady who comes in who has been shot or stabbed for whatever reason by her mate, the one who loves her. When she comes in that is an emergency. Whoever was waiting for six-hours has to wait for another six-hours until we deal with the emergency. The operation I was going to do tomorrow can’t be done, because I have to use all the blood in the blood bank to treat the emergency. The patient who was waiting to be admitted can’t be, because we can’t get a bed for them,” said Dr Roberts.

“This thing (violence) does not come cheap. By the time she goes to the operating room, has a major surgery, is admitted to intensive care and is eventually discharged from hospital we have ran up a $50,000 bill. Vaccines, other important medication and all of the other patient resources are used by because of something that could have been prevented,” he said.

There is a true economic cost of the violence and a public health concern, not to mention the rippling social impact based on the way lives are changed because of the violence. In the United States, violence against women has been costed at $8.3 billion per year: $461 million for physical assault; $60 million for rape and $1.2 billion in lives lost.

“We are not really getting away with it. It is destroying us,” said Dr Roberts.

The third reason discussed by Dr Douglas is a point about learned behaviour. As a society we need to start teaching new notions of masculinity, for the existing concepts of masculinity reinforce violent behaviour. 
“Men are going to their graves defending destructive notions of masculinity. The problem many men are not realising is that it is not working for us. We are destroying our brothers, sisters and wives,” said Dr Douglas.

Not only do we need to look at the way social definitions of masculinity teach unhealthy notions of power, control and violence, we also need to look at how definitions of masculinity and sexism prevent men from asserting counter narratives or dealing with their own personal trauma.

“Where are men going to deal with this massive trauma we are carrying around. Socialisation says that boys cannot be a victim. When a boy is violated sexually, where does he go? The response to the male survivor is that he must be gay. It is keeping a lot of men in distress. Unlike with girls, men tend to identify with the aggressor. That is one of the responses. He acts out and becomes aggressive towards others as a way to work through that,” said Dr Douglas.

The problem of violence is not a simple issue about “individual men gone astray”. There is a wider system that facilitates this behaviour and normalises it. And we are all complicit participants in defending this system or active participants in challenging it. Everyone needs to decide where they stand, and until there are more individuals actively working to challenge it, through the way in which they speak, act and reinforce systems of accountability from the micro to the macro, it will be accurate to say, we as society are not serious.

Noelle Nicolls is a senior writer and Feature’s Editor at the Tribune. Follow her on Twitter @noelle_elleon.