COLELOQUIAL: The cheating Bahamian husband - whose fault is it really?

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

By NICOLE BURROWS

HARDLY a week goes by that I am not approached by a married Bahamian man, with an invitation to step into the fantasy he clings to when his reality is no longer appealing or sufficient. The way it seems to me, he is looking for something else to define or entertain himself, because his marriage no longer does it in a way that reminds him he’s desired or needed, at least not in the way he cares to be. Perhaps it never did.

But what really worries me about the married Bahamian man’s quest to conquer something outside his marriage is not even the fact that he’s looking for something other than his wife, because it happens so often these days that I’ve almost come to expect it to be the case.

What troubles me most is the silence that gives rise to the “cheating”, not primarily the cheating itself; it disturbs me that married Bahamian women and men both fiercely pretend that what is wrong between them is not and they camouflage their problem with things that only temporarily help them to forget they have this problem, all the while not actually fixing it.

We’ve buried so much knowledge in the secrecy of our Bahamian culture that people find it easier to remain quiet or disconnected from the issue rather than adwdress it openly once and for all in a mature and sensible way; where they should be learning from the experiences of their elders, they repeat them again and again, because those with the experience who can teach a better path also remain silent on the same issues. And, rather than talk about them in the open so others can have more successful partnerships, they sweep them under the rug to be recycled for the next generation, who have the same foolish expectations that they once did.

Just preparing for this new column and promoting it online with a simple photo has brought a flood of attention “behind the wall” on Facebook. Married men, known and unknown to me, are trying to showcase themselves as available to me for something more than Facebook friendship.

I’m not altogether sure why these men think that there is safety behind the Facebook wall but, nevertheless, it seems to embolden them in their attempts to know more about the face in the photo. I find it odd the apparent expectation that their attempts to start something up where they believe it’s hidden from the world are supposed to 1) keep it hidden and silent and 2) yield dividends while hidden.

The mischievous part of me wishes I could name them one by one and watch as your lower lips hit the ground, but the reality is that, because this type of conduct is so commonplace in Bahamian culture, many of these men are also my colleagues, or at least known to me by way of other colleagues. And they are, most of them, in all other respects, good people.

It’s not my duty or my inclination to police their love or sex lives; that responsibility belongs to them and them alone, that is, unless their partners are interested in chasing the wind behind them.

Wives, fiancées, girlfriends – most have no idea what their “good” men get up to. These women, as brilliant as some of them are, are astonishingly easy to fool and overly trusting. It confounds me to imagine the things they’re told to keep them off the man’s trail while he pursues something else for a while, however long that while might last. Men make up all kinds of stories and their wives will believe them without question or concern. It’s a complete blind faith I have never had or understood, nor do I ever want to should it make me equally as gullible.

On the other hand, there are some women who are well aware of what goes on when they’re not around, not looking, or not listening, but they pretend not to know about it and won’t acknowledge it because doing so obliterates their romantic fantasy, or their blissful, real-life fiction of marriage. (I won’t include in this article the small number who do know and are fine with all husbands seeking affection from other women, as they are an anomaly and minority in Bahamian culture).

The truth is Bahamian men will always try to flex their muscles, even in the mildest and gentlest ways, because their very nature is to strut with the pride of a peacock. They could be extremely attractive or intelligent, or hellishly ugly or unintelligent, but they won’t miss an opportunity to impress a woman who has captured their attention. And there is always, always, a woman who will capture their attention.

But, does this mean that Bahamian married men who look beyond their marriages for love and affection are bad men? For the religious among us, that’s probably a resounding “yes”.

Does this pleasure-seeking behaviour make these men human? For the realists among us, that’s another emphatic “yes”.

So why is this thing that happens all the time right under our noses so vilified in a society that overlooks it, even cultivates it? Is it really the fault of the married man? Is the married woman to blame? The family or church? Who else is culpable?

Furthermore, what is anyone – woman or man – to do about it? Is this something that lends itself to talking it out with your partner or his priest or pastor to help prevent it or to cure it? Will any amount of counselling impact upon years of cultural and psychological embedding?

In my opinion, it’s everyone’s fault for having ridiculous expectations of each other and of relationships, and for not talking about the reality of the troubles such unrealistic perspectives bring.

Secondly, the time for talking about ideals is before a wedding. If something shifted in a marriage after the wedding, if Husband felt neglected by Wife and sought other attentions, it is likely he will try to do the same thing more than once, even if not in succession, as long as he remains in that relationship. Whatever may have brought him to that point of looking elsewhere is not likely to spontaneously resolve itself, even with effort. If he has reconciled that he is not going to get what he needs or wants at home, he will continue to search elsewhere for it.

A man who gives himself licence for certain behaviour will not easily if ever return to his previous conduct, so long as he has found a way to justify to himself why he’s done what he’s done. Because even though he may not care to hurt someone he loves, once loved or has obligated himself to love, he has already become a different person by taking a chance somewhere else, and no matter how good he is in every other aspect of his life, he will always reserve that one other part of himself for his future urgencies.

I’ve had incredible conversations with my girlfriends, married and unmarried, who are also wise to the predispositions of the Bahamian man, and we can’t help but wince at the sheer silliness of our fellow womenfolk who boldly or blindly swear to the fidelity of their partners. They are trapped in “happily ever after” land with little interest in being freed. Not that men do, but women typically don’t listen to reason when they’re in love, whether that reason is their own inner voice or someone else’s.

The women don’t listen, so the men don’t concern themselves. When they start itching, they go off to get scratched, and do whatever they want to do because they know the woman who is deeply in love and committed won’t be paying attention to details anyway. This I know well; I have myself been a woman in love at different times in my life, so I am sufficiently familiar with the blinding, disabling effects of in-love-ness. But, there really comes a point in your life when you just have to wake yourself up to the reality of human nature.

To the woman, the same man sleeping next to you, spooning you at night, calling to check on you at work, cooking you romantic meals, is as prone to extramarital flirtations and involvements as the man who does none of that and is constantly being reprimanded for his frequent visits to the local strip club. Every married woman thinks she is married to the one man in the world who would never hurt her. Not so. All are capable of causing hurt; only time and circumstance will determine whether or not it actually happens and for how long.

In our partnerships, there is immeasurable value in being upfront with each other about our real needs and desires, not being limited to marriage relationships, and we need to be able to express them to our partners in spite of our fears of judgment or ridicule. As is abundantly clear, there is a penalty for silence on such important matters, and it will be levied whether or not we like it, in the form of the extramarital associations most Bahamians refer to as “cheating” or “sweethearting”.

On the front end of this problem, and for those who have not yet begun their relationships, if we know, having evidence or suspicion, that a (potential) partner cannot meet our needs, or does not or will not fulfil our wants, then that is likely not a good partner for us and it would do us well to discontinue the relationship before it becomes something as complicated as cheating in a marriage. The failure of grown people to be upfront in relationships about who they really are and what they really need exists because people – women or men – think that they will lose what they have or what they have control of if they show their true selves.

But, the indisputable fact to date is that no one can control the way anyone else is going to feel about something or someone, or what they will or won’t do about it, whether they’ve been married for 10 months or 20 years.

The sooner we start having relationships where our methods of pursuing each other include honest consideration of the fact that “cheating” by a spouse is the fault of any spouse who fails to speak up straightaway about who they really are and what they really need, the sooner we might have fewer cheating husbands (and wives), if it were at all possible.

• Share your thoughts online at tribune242.com, via email at Coleloquial -at - Gmail.com or on Facebook and Twitter using the handle @Coleloquial.

Comments

expat8090s says...

Coleloquial? Isn't the state of Internet grammar and spelling bad enough without you presenting your catchy column title as a dictionary entry?

Posted 30 September 2014, 11:19 p.m. Suggest removal

Coleloquial says...

Hi expat8090s! Thanks for your.... feedback?? I can't take credit for the choice, but wouldn't it be exceptionally helpful and perhaps more useful to address the subject of the article, if you take the time to comment? Would love to hear your thoughts on the actual issue in question. Kind regards.

Posted 1 October 2014, 9:24 p.m. Suggest removal

ChaosObserver says...

interesting that you yourself default to not taking action, (mentioning names of people or confronting them) which is exactly what your purporting that wives, society, etc etc should be doing......accountability requires accountability of ones actions (regardless of how it comes around)...and in your case, you need to be accountable for your lack thereof...either confront these A** holes or tell their wives....

Posted 1 October 2014, 3:57 p.m. Suggest removal

Hello ChaosObserver! Sounds as if you would like me to call names in the newspaper! And - how can you be certain what I do or don't do outside of the newspaper?? Something to think about... Best regards.

Posted 1 October 2014, 9:25 p.m. Suggest removal

Posted 1 October 2014, 9:15 p.m. Suggest removal

Posted 1 October 2014, 9:20 p.m. Suggest removal

Grabilicious77 says...

Obviously women are as complicit as men but this a sign of a societal problem, and not just locally but worldwide and across cultures. Could it be that human nature is suited for breeding and not til death monogamous marriages? I think modern orderly life created the expectation of monogamy and we are raised feeling compelled to fit into the mold. I also know from experience that you do not know what marriage really is or a relationship until you're in it. For most at this point it's too late to break it and hurt another human until "they must". #justanopinion

Posted 2 October 2014, 7:33 a.m. Suggest removal

Emac says...

Great article! It is 100% accurate. What fascinates me is the people who are commenting here are probably the ones caught up in what this article references. To say that this type of issue is not just found locally but worldwide might be correct. But the Bahamas' way of doing it is far reaching and quite detrimental. The Bahamas has many 'bastards' running around wreaking havoc on society. These are the products of sweethearting. Unfortunately, talking about these types of issues is taboo in the Bahamas. It seems that secrecy is embedded in the very grain of our culture. One day we will wake up when this dream bubble bursts. Oh, and why do these so called religious leaders speak out on every other hot issue except the one thing that is so obvious everywhere in the Bahamas, sweet hearting?

Posted 2 October 2014, 10:18 a.m. Suggest removal

B_I_D___ says...

I love my wife...til death do us part. When I signed up for marriage, it was a one and only, all or nothing deal. The time and effort, ups and downs, especially now with children in the mix is intense, definitely not easy, and very little of it resembles those care free days of romance and wooing the one you married. My problem is this...I know what it took to get where I am...where WE are, it's a hell of a lot of work, and dare I say money. The LAST thing I can even try to wrap my mind around would be getting involved with another female, while trying to maintain and put the work into my marriage. I'd be flat broke and mentally insane juggling women. No interest in it, the thought has not crossed my mind, nor will it ever cross my mind. Now...if the marriage falls apart, and we get divorced for whatever reason, and I am a free man...so to speak, would still be supporting the kids and such, then yes, my 'emotional work load' is now an 'Ex' and I can move forward and find another. But hey, that's just the way my little mind operates. The last thing I need is more stress and drama by stringing along multiple gals.

Posted 2 October 2014, 10:24 a.m. Suggest removal

You are one of a kind my friend. You are among the 2% Lol.

Posted 2 October 2014, 11:27 a.m. Suggest removal

Sad but I fear very true!!

Posted 2 October 2014, 11:57 a.m. Suggest removal

goodone says...

Stay this way young/old man! You are rare. Your wife is blessed

Posted 3 October 2014, 10:38 a.m. Suggest removal

Regardless says...

I love the simplicity of life. I stay single. Avoid married women like Ebola. Impart only the truth to the women I see in that they are not the only ones and I am perfectly happy to introduce them to the others.

Amen.

Posted 2 October 2014, 2:57 p.m. Suggest removal

asiseeit says...

The simple fact is that most women go for the "bad boy". There is something about an idiot that women can not avoid.

Posted 2 October 2014, 5:16 p.m. Suggest removal

Women are just sometimes emotionally dumb. Especially messing with a married man. Are you looking for happiness? Seriously? Find Jesus then.

Posted 3 October 2014, 10:41 a.m. Suggest removal

DEDDIE says...

The price of cheating in most cases is too high and I am pretty cheap. Maybe if the pleasure from the sex act itself lasted for at least a day rather than 20 minutes then maybe sweethearting would be a greater consideration for me. Someone once said, if your wife was not your wife you would be looking at her with the same hungry eyes you are looking at some other women with. Count me as part of the 2%.

Posted 5 October 2014, 7:15 p.m. Suggest removal

Hi Everyone!

Thank you for all of your feedback via the Tribune's website, the Coleloquial Facebook page and group, and via email!

Rather than replying in detail to all of your email messages about 'THE CHEATING BAHAMIAN HUSBAND', I will post what I think are the most interesting quotes from readers' emails here on the Tribune's website and on/ in the public Facebook page/ group. I will also post a few of the email quotes to Twitter.

Given that the topic addresses women and men, I will post all the women's comments in one section, and all the men's in another, so you can compare them!

The most interesting thing about the email and Facebook responses to this topic??? Most were from men!

All men who responded CONSTRUCTIVELY had some useful feedback for other readers... and for women, and this emphasizes my request for women to pay close attention to what their partners are saying/ feeling and how they're acting. They tend not to discuss it with you, if you're unapproachable, judgmental, or acting wounded or hysterical. They'll just take care of it on their own, or suffer in silence until the day they do take care of it by leaving the relationship, temporarily ('cheating') or permanently, whatever your status.

Stay tuned for the next post with readers' quotes!

Posted 5 October 2014, 7:48 p.m. Suggest removal

What the WOMEN had to say about 'THE CHEATING BAHAMIAN HUSBAND - WHOSE FAULT IS IT, REALLY?'

1/ "Sooooo true ... I can only sigh. 'Been there, done that.'"

2/ "The Punch will call you."

3/ "I hope that many other readers like myself took your points into consideration and get serious about their current and future relationships."

4/ "Marriage is seen more as a 'right of passage' rather than finding and keeping a meaningful person in one's life."

5/ "Many young people within my age bracket [25-30] feel that if they don't find someone before they reach 30, then they can't prove to society that they are 'well adjusted/ grown adults'."

6/ "Just like many people aren't meant to be parents, many aren't meant to be married, or in relationships. They don't understand a fulfilling relationship is independent of marriage, and they end up married when they shouldn't be. And, then they lie to themselves and partners just to have someone, instead of just staying or being single."

7/ "As Bahamians, we certainly need to start looking from within and begin thinking about what type of people we want to be, by first dealing with any lingering insecurities that we may have with ourselves before we invite people into our lives."

Posted 5 October 2014, 7:59 p.m. Suggest removal

What the MEN had to say about 'THE CHEATING BAHAMIAN HUSBAND - WHOSE FAULT IS IT, REALLY?'

1/ "Well written and 100% spot on! I wish every Bahamian man and woman would read it... unfortunately we are not an introspective people... we would rather complain than address."

2/ "As an optimist, I hope they take heed of the admonitions, but if history is prologue..."

3/ "Unfortunately, we do not really know one another before we pair up. Women, on approaching age 30, just want to pair up as opposed to becoming an 'old maid'."

4/ "In a broader sense, married people stop dating one another, and affection is left to a peck on the cheek on the way out of the front door."

5/ "The new 'conquest(s)' reassures [the men's] lost sense of self-worth."

6/ "Night creams and granny panties are not sexy; as are beer bellies and poor hygiene."

7/ "People have been programmed into what a marriage/ partnership should be. We are at the mercy of a very few who manipulate our thoughts, decisions, actions on this very issue."

8/ "We don't need therapists, counselors, etc.....we need to listen to ourselves. We must start with self. Understand who we are...cut off the TV and meditate more and talk with ourselves more."

9/ "Players will play. Eventually boredom sets in and eyes start drifting, and not just with men."

10/ "You cannot fool a woman when it comes to cheating. She might deny it to self and friends but down deep she knows what's goin on."

11/ "Men are simple. Feed us, **** us, be our friend. Women on the other hand... And then there is: the nagging, her girlfriends, her mamma...."

12/ "Until women understand a man's need to conquer, and the visual nature of same, this will be a prolonged argument."

Posted 5 October 2014, 8:47 p.m. Suggest removal

lovlyn says...

As a Bahamian wife who has been in the position of being cheated on and having had numerous opportunities myself to do the deed with someone else's husband, I believe that this issue is primarily born of a society with too many secrets and societal mores demand that Bahamian women pretend not to know that her husband is a cheat. We are conditioned to look the other way and behave the way a "dignified wife" should behave; After all we are the 'secure' one in the love triangle. I did not keep quiet, I confronted the other woman and I confronted my husband, however, after a period of punishing him for his crime, I was encouraged by other women to take my cheating husband back, so as to not allow the other woman to have him all to herself. This conditioning is what most of us grew up with, we have seen this all of our lives, so how do we change what has become the norm? We don't! We go along and hope that nobody notices the cycle which replays itself in many households.

Posted 30 December 2014, 2:38 p.m. Suggest removal

Joni says...

I once saw an ad in a magazine that said something along the following lines:
"What is one of the most important risk factors for women getting HIV? MARRIAGE".

Unfortunately, spouses of people who cheat risk waaaaaaaay more than getting a broken heart. And even if one does not end up with HIV, there are 25 other sexually transmitted infections that people are at even higher risk of obtaining (some of which are incurable). I cannot imagine the sum of the suffering on this island. Yet still, the silence around these "issues" is deafening. Moral the story: women, if you think your partner is cheating on you, you NEED to get tested for a variety of STIs and HIV. Even if you don't feel like anything is wrong with you, you could possibly be infected without symptoms.

On another note...was any discussion of STIs brought up during the marital rape debate?

Posted 30 December 2014, 6:40 p.m. Suggest removal