WEEK 4

Ravens at Steelers

RENALDO: This is your time Mike Vick. We - who lofted you to demigod status after frustrating our friends to the point of altercation time after time on Madden ’04 when you gave life to the greatest video game character ever - we’ve been waiting on this moment for you to return. The Eagles thing worked for a while, but you were never really wanted there. It was Atlanta all over again where the most popular man in the city was whoever was your backup. We’ll pretend New York didn’t happen, but this is the role you were meant to have. I still hate all of your friends that didn’t take that charge for you.

Right when the Steelers offence was rolling and the third of their three major weapons was back, Big Ben goes down, leaving Vick with the responsibility of keeping the Steelers afloat for the next 4-6 weeks. He’s ready.

STEELERS over

Ravens

SANNIE:  So the Ravens haven’t won a game all season. Let me choose them and give them some luck. Come on Joe, I have faith in you.

RAVENS over Steelers

Jets at Dolphins

SANNIE: I have discovered win or lose I get golden vanilla yogurt from TCBY. I like my belly more than I like winning.  So if I have to choose the Dolphins every week to get some, well…LET’S GO DOLPHINS.

DOLPHINS over Jets

RENALDO: Sometimes a grudge lasts forever. No matter how many years, decades or centuries past, once two countries go to war those wounds last forever. Here’s what I like about America, they’re an eternal troll. Even though they won the Revolutionary War back in 1776, they continue to stick it to Great Britain. The UK will extend the olive branch by exporting its best - The Beatles, Idris Elba, Emma Watson, but America responds by sending…the Dolphins. This is an egregious slap in the face, one that the Brits shouldn’t take lightly. Year after year these people are forced to watch the Dolphins dishonour the pitch at Wembley Stadium. This is not how you win over fans Roger Goodell!

JETS over Dolphins

Giants at Bills

RENALDO: Victor Cruz is coming back, but how ready is he to perform at the level we’re accustomed to? Also, not sure if the Giants are giving tryouts to Hakeem Nicks and Wes Welker seriously or if they just mean to honour all of their heroes from Super Bowl XLVI. I’m not sure which spite motivator Rex Ryan uses for this game, but he may not need one. This Bills team is that good. LeSean McCoy may not be in the lineup, but rookie Karlos Williams has out gained him on the ground in yards (186 to 146), average yards per carry (7.8 to 3.4) and touchdowns (three to zero). Sammy Watkins may also be sidelined but he’s fourth on the team in yards and receptions. This bills team has depth and its legit.

BILLS over Giants

SANNIE: I don’t think I’ve picked the Bills  yet, so time to switch it up a little, give everyone a fair chance.

BILLS over Giants

Panthers at Buccaneers

SANNIE: Not only has Cam Newton brought me immense joy by just being him, he hasn’t lost a game yet. Hey boo.

PANTHERS over Bucs

RENALDO: Of all the years that we expected Cam Newton to be Superman. He has less help around him than he’s ever had in his career but he’s doing more and is putting up ridiculous numbers in the process. Five touchdowns through the air, another two on the ground and he’s done something I thought only Jesus or Superman could do - make Ted Ginn look like a viable option. The Bucs, and Jameis, aren’t as bad as people think but it’s just bad luck that he’s the first quarterback to face a jaded version of Jared Allen.

PANTHERS over Bucs

Raiders at Bears

SANNIE: Since Eddie has been gone the Raiders have strangely been able to win two games. This has to stop, Eddie is back this week and hopefully his team can go back to being terrible.

BEARS over Raiders

RENALDO: Bears head coach John Fox had the greatest line of the week: “We need to generate more than zero points to win games. There’s no doubt.” This is indicative of where there season is right now. Jay Cutler is hurt, there’s a fire-sale on the best defensive players, Matt Forte may be on his way out. I thought it was just Derrick Rose but it seems to be an awful time for everyone in Chicago.

RAIDERS over Bears

Chiefs at Bengals

RENALDO: It took 659 days for Alex Smith to throw a touchdown pass to a wide receiver, too bad it came on the backend of a blowout during garbage time. The Chiefs’ tough schedule looks even tougher when they go on the road to face their third consecutive undefeated team after losses to both the Denver and Green Bay.

BENGALS over Chiefs

SANNIE:  So no one else thinks that Andy Dalton is extremely funny looking? And it’s not even the red hair. It’s just his face.  

BENGALS over Chiefs

Texans at Falcons

RENALDO: Matt Ryan is unstoppable at home, or in any dome for that matter. Julio Jones already has good total season numbers for a slot receiver, The Falcons have found something in Devonta Freeman and as for Roddy White...well he’s there... so that has to count for something at some point.

FALCONS over Texans

SANNIE: Kroy Bierman’s wife had a stroke and he has been by her side every step of the way. He is such a good husband and father. By the way you can all watch how awesome he is on “Don’t be Tardy’ (one of my favourite reality shows).

FALCONS over Texans

Jaguars at Colts

RENALDO: Andrew Luck took no reps in the individual portion of practice on Wednesday, according to the Indianapolis Star. The Colts are tight lipped as to why. Not sure whether he was injured, tired, or had to stay at home while he had his DirectTV installed. He’s played like “cable Andrew Luck” through the first three games.

COLTS over Jags

SANNIE: Come on Andrew Luck, I apparently dropped from first to last in the standings. I need some luck this week. I have to beat Renaldo…and at the very least Ricardo.

COLTS over Jags

Eagles at Washington’s

Football Team

SANNIE: DeSean Jackson’s smile overshadows Robert Griffin’s ugly features. So I choose him.

Washington over Eagles

RENALDO: I’m with her on this one. Chip Kelly’s the most unlikeable coach in the NFL not named Philbin and his treatment of LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson left much to be desired. He hasn’t played since the week one loss to Miami, but this would be the perfect time for Jackson to come back and prove a point to Kelly. Even if he’s not 100 per cent healthy, spite is the greatest motivating factor of all. Also, if Riley Cooper didn’t catch another pass in his career, that would be great.

EAGLES over

Washington

Browns at Chargers

SANNIE: I keep picking the Browns because I only have a few more months left as a Brown, but apparently it was one of the stupidest things I could have done because they obviously cannot play football.

CHARGERS over

Browns

RENALDO: I’m completely confused by the Browns’ unwavering support for Josh McCown as the starting quarterback. Is there another situation where someone can be this bad at their job yet still have the support of management? The complete list is quarterback of the Browns and Minister of National Security. That’s it.

CHARGERS over

Browns

Vikings at Broncos

SANNIE: Peyton Manning may be terribly unattractive but apparently he can play.

BRONCOS over

Vikings

RENALDO: It seems as if the story of this game would be Peyton Manning through the air, Adrian Peterson on the ground blah blah blah, but the real story here has been the dominance of the Denver defence thus far. Denver is ranked 30th in the league on offence and first on defence through three weeks.

BRONCOS over

Vikings

Packers at 49ers

RENALDO: This is not what the 49ers need after being blown out by 40 points at home.  Right when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…when Kap throws four interceptions, a pair of pick sixes and throws for 67 yards…in comes Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. I don’t know how the 49ers look around the locker room and gear up for this. Black uniforms maybe?

PACKERS over Niners

SANNIE: This one was tough because Colin Kaepernick is so adorable but I think I love Clay Matthews more. I hope you can forgive me love.

PACKERS over Niners

Rams at Cardinals

RENALDO: Does anyone else find it odd that the Cardinals are doing this with the 2009 Pro Bowl team. Carson Palmer throws for 300 yards and a few touchdowns every week, Chris Johnson is having 100 yard running games, and Larry Fitzgerald looks unstoppable. Next you’ll tell me “snap music” is back and Donald Trump is doing something ridiculous.

CARDS over Rams

SANNIE: I’m just going to randomly guess on this one. Let’s be honest, it can’t be any worse than the method I normally use anyway.

CARDS over Rams

Cowboys at Saints

RENALDO: It’s a desperate season for the Saints. When a desperate animal is trapped into a corner 16 times in a season they’re going to come out swinging at least once. This is that one time. All signs point to Drew Brees coming back for New Orleans and he faces a Cowboys defence that has to win the game for their team...and they play like they know it.

SAINTS over Cowboys

SANNIE: So the Saints apparently haven’t won a game either so I’m going to pick them too because, you know…reasons.

SAINTS over Cowboys

Lions at Seahawks

SANNIE: Hi Russell Wilson. Ciara and I believe in you. You can do this. You can win for me, I mean us, I mean her.

SEAHAWKS over

Lions

RENALDO: At this point, Kam Chancellor must be walking around feeling himself more than the one high school senior with a fake ID (This comparison only works for American schools, not here in the Bahamas..because alcoholism). His return immediately meant everyone on the defence got better. The corners can take more chances in press coverage, the front seven benefits from coverage sacks and receivers refuse to come across the middle of the field. I’m not sure what’s happening in Detroit, but it may have been better to give Calvin Johnson a Transformer nickname from the Autobot side. Megatron’s been losing since I was in kindergarten.

SEAHAWKS over

Lions