By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

I have to say, I was having a fairly decent week right up until I read yesterday’s Tribune headline.

In case you missed it, our government has determined that it will cost $60m plus to rebuild islands devastated by Hurricane Joaquin. And I have determined that rebuilding my left lung that collapsed upon hearing the news will probably be much cheaper.

Elizabeth, This Is the Big One!

Hurricane Joaquin was devastating to our southern islands. I don’t think there is a soul in this country who would deny the extent of damage and destruction the storm left in its wake.

I imagined (as did many Bahamians, I’m sure) that it would cost us a pretty penny to rebuild the homes and properties lost after Joaquin left so many decimated. What I didn’t take into account is that the penny would first have to be dipped in gold and then borrowed from China. Speaking of money, how did Prime Minister Christie arrive at that nice round sum of $60m? Ever notice these estimates never have (or make) any cents?

Just once, I would love to hear an estimate like ‘$51m and 99 cents’. I think I would feel more reassured. It would be as if someone, somewhere was actually calculating real figures instead of pulling numbers from the sky.

And speaking of the sky, I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before the government puts a tax on the air we breathe.

During his press conference, Mr Christie was sure to stress that $60m was still just a “ballpark” figure and likely “expected to increase”.

First of all, you come before the nation with a “ballpark figure”, Mr Christie?

Last time I checked, we have no real ballparks of that magnitude in this country. Unless, of course, you count the stadium without proper concessions that the Chinese built. The stadium which - if I may be so bold - we can gladly sell back to them.

For $60m.

(Hey, they’re buying up everything else anyway).

Second, what exactly is the figure “likely to increase” to? $100m? $200m?

If only we had some extra revenue for times like these. Say, for example, some cold, hard cash from better than expected VAT performance or legalising the “numbers” industry.

Hurricane Joaquin is one of the biggest natural disasters we have ever had to face. It’s a sad state of affairs that we find ourselves in when the government has to borrow money just to lend assistance to our fellow Bahamians. The only thing more depressing is hearing Junkanoo Carnival ads running in the midst of all this madness.

How on earth can we afford $20m for a failed party but can’t find $60m when Bahamian lives are on the line?

I know, I know. Some of you will say, ‘but the last Junkanoo Carnival only cost $13m’. I know it did. But just like the geniuses in the Ministry of Finance, I rounded up.

Thumbs up, thumbs down

Thumbs Up

To Long Island MP Loretta Butler-Turner for continuing to lead by example. Mrs Butler-Turner exhibited sound judgment and good old fashioned “mother’s wit” to bring a special feeling of healing to the nation. I think I speak for Bahamians everywhere when I say ‘thank you.’

Thumbs Up

To John Bostwick II, David Chappell, Adam Darville and Rupert Roberts.

This “league of extraordinary gentleman” gave of their time and resources to assist me in ensuring that NGM Major High School in Long Island will be completely repaired and operational for school by this coming Monday. Thank you all for giving new hope to traumatised and displaced students and faculty alike.

Thumbs Down

To all of the politicians and wannabe “politicos” who took every “photo op” they could involving Hurricane Joaquin relief efforts, possibly for future political mileage.

What’s even more bizarre is that a few of them even decided to pose amongst the private sector groups providing hurricane relief as if it were their operation. Nice try, but remember photo opportunities are actually real opportunities to be just that ... real.

Until next week, laugh now and cry later!

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net