By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

THIS week we found out that a curfew is the answer to our all of our prayers.

I have to admit, when the PLP Chairman, Bradley Roberts, said the word “curfew” as a suggested solution to our escalating crime problem earlier this week, I was surprised. But after I received the following memo from The Party, I began to understand.

Memo to: all Bahamians (but mainly those eligible to vote)

Re: The New Curfew

My fellow Bahamians,

Now, I know what some of you are thinking - lately, many of the actions of “The Party” seem to follow a script straight out of the George Orwell novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four”.

For instance, you may say “The Party” has been “double-talking” to confuse you. Or you may gripe “The Party” has given all the power and privileges to an elite group of people and special interests. I know a few of you will complain that “The Party” is (as we speak) trying to establish an eternal “leader for life” whose rule is based on an ever growing cult of personality.

Some of you have already called the talk shows complaining that a simple thing like a curfew would be “racist” and “unfair”. (By the way, We heard you. And We know who you are.)

Well, to all of you moaners, groaners and ingrates out there, I say to you what our great Prime Minister Perry Gladstone Christie said when confronted with the Harajchi scandal a few years back - “And so?”

The reality is these are hard times we live in. Never mind that The Party went against your wishes on a little gambling referendum – I mean, opinion poll – that was for your own good.

You must put aside all your hard feelings over losing your homes, losing your jobs, not being able to afford property and having no prospects of your children or grandchildren ever making a decent life for themselves here.

The Party wants to state for the record that we have nothing to do with our friends, family and lovers getting all the “juicy” government positions and contracts. We assure you – that is all strictly coincidence.

Also, when we made promises all those many long years ago (way back in 2012) about “mortgage relief” and creating “10,000 jobs within the first 100 days”, we had absolutely no way of knowing what a horrible state the FNM (with the help of the DNA no doubt) had left the country in.

And let’s not forget, my fellow countrymen, you were the ones who actually voted us in. If you are now saying you do not trust us to rule over you and decide your fate aren’t you really saying you do not trust yourselves?

Now is not the time to waver.

As I said earlier, we are living in dangerous times. In order to protect you from the ever rising tide of crime threatening to drown the country in a tsunami of death and destruction faster than climate change can, your government needs to lock down – I mean “safeguard” certain “hot spots” by implementing a curfew. (And possibly Martial Law, which we will discuss at a later time).

Starting the moment you finish reading this memo, be advised that if you live in one of the uncontrollable, crime-infested areas we have outlined on the attached map, do not even think about coming out of your dwelling between 7pm and 7am.

During this time, all businesses in these areas must cease operations and all persons in these areas must remain indoors. That goes for everyone – young and old – seven days a week. (Also note that we will try to keep the street lights on during this time but BEC makes no promises).

It is regrettable that many (actually, all) of these “hot spots” are in so-called “poor” areas.

But friends, let’s be fair. It’s not the government’s fault all the criminals live Over the Hill, is it?

And speaking of fault, we hate to point fingers but look around at some of those lousy parents, teachers, judges and police officers out there. Don’t you think if they had done their jobs better we would not be in this mess and have to take such drastic measures?

This is really all their fault.

They are the ones who have coddled these monsters committing the crimes. They are the real reason we must institute a curfew and put up another 2,000 CCTV cameras around the island. They are why we must keep the Proletarians – I mean, criminals – locked in their hiding spots away from Bay Street (and the other “good” areas). They are the real failures.

And they are the reason we must re-elect our Supreme Prime Minister to continue to reign over us.

My fellow Bahamians, you know within yourselves that our Lord Commander Leader-for-Life Supreme Prime Minister Christie is the only person on the planet who is truly brave enough, smart enough and tough enough to guide us through this storm. And that is why we must give him at least another 20 years (minimum) to get the job done.

In the meantime, please send us feedback and let us know how you enjoyed the Carnival earlier this year. And also remember that our Dear Exalted Lord Commander Leader-for-Life Supreme Prime Minister Christie in his infinite wisdom has allowed you to play your games of chance, or numbers (which we know you enjoy), free of the fear of being arrested.

And also free of taxes.

But do remember neither wealth nor health nor safety is free. We will address the much overdue gaming taxes and a slight increase in Value Added Tax in due course.

For now, know that your Party is doing everything in its power to continue to keep you safe and the nation stronger.

Regards,

The Chairman

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.