By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

After watching the whole ‘Bahamian Hustle’ scandal play out day-by-day, like some of my favourite daytime soaps and big screen movies with more skeletons ‘moon walking’ out of closets on all sides of the political divide, one name seems to be at the centre of all this madness.

The Cay to the Castle

I must say I’ve watched fictional dastardly ‘villain millionaires’ over the years very keenly.

From stooping to the lowest levels, showing no conscience or remorse while pulling off the most cunning deals (Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots is a perfect example) quite a few have aligned themselves with the most unusual allies. Namely, the politically influential and upstanding, as well as powerful grassroot gangsters, who operate with lawless abandon.

Asa Buchanan, Palmer Cortland and Adam Chandler ruled the daytime soap operas with similar ruthless tactics. (Yes in my college days I would watch ‘All My Children’, ‘One Life to Live’ and ‘General Hospital’ before basketball practice. Our coach did also, so it was team orientated.)

Taking into account all of the wheeling and dealing, the total disrespect toward our PM and other high ranking government officials, the denials and finger pointing, the innuendos, the foul-mouthed rants, the sinister allegations (as well as characters such as ‘Toggie’ and ‘Bobo’ enjoying their 15 minutes of fame) in our own Bahamian scandal makes the above mentioned villains look like saints.

At some point, somebody needs to reign in our own hometown antagonists.

It needs to be done before we as a nation suffer the consequences of these characters’ selfish actions.

Now, according to one of the dailies, Peter Nygard wants a Supreme

Court declaration that Dr Hubert Minnis ‘abused his office’.

Okay, so let me get this straight. Not only is there a viral video allegedly showing where Nygard brags about a certain $5 million campaign contribution and our PM moonlighting as a ‘proctologist,’ but now this guest in our country has pivoted to calling-out Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition?

In the words of Bahamians everywhere, “Vell Muddoes!”

I don’t know how - but somehow - Dr Minnis has had this whole scandal turned on him.

After recently watching the Deputy Speaker of the House, Nassau Village MP Dion Smith in particular, and the rest of the present administration, verbally dismember, then disembowel the Opposition leader in the House of Assembly I wonder if Mr Nygard figures he’s also purchased the right to savage Dr Minnis publicly also.

Not the case there Mr Nygard. Myself and the majority of Bahamians are disgusted by your alleged personal attacks on Mr Christie and Dr Minnis in their respective positions.

I find it most comical that Nygard calls for Dr Minnis to be removed as leader of the Opposition, but since the premise is removal established by Nygard himself, here’s what I’d like to see removed:

1 Remove Nygard from the alleged Crown Land he allegedly illegally obtained at his Lyford Cay residence, ‘Nygard Cay’.

2 Remove the negative publicity associated with ‘Nygard Cay’ and the Bahamas brought on by the CBC ‘Fifth Estate’ special edition “Larger Than Life” and numerous articles on the prestigious website Businessinsider.com regarding all the alleged sordid events parties and other mysterious goings on at ‘Nygard Cay’ and the lawsuits left behind.

3 Remove Peter Nygard and his personal agendas from the Bahamas. Problem solved.

I think they call it ‘touché’ in France Mr Nygard, which is not a bad relocation destination for you.

As I got ready for work and flicked through the channels searching for the news, I stumbled across one of my favourite movies of all time, Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’.

One glimpse of Gary Oldman as ‘Dracula’ is all it took for me to mentally cast the characters to play the main parts in ‘The Bahamian Hustle’. Suddenly, our ‘financial guest’s’ doppelgänger was before me on the screen, and it all made sense.

I’m going to write the script for that movie. It’s a story of a modern-day vampire, slowly trying to suck the life out of the Bahamas for his own selfish personal gain, leaving a trail of bloodless political souls in his wake.

The Garbage Collector

Is it just me or was anyone else surprised to hear Minister of Education Jerome Fitzgerald claim that he doesn’t ‘know much about technology’? And that his kids have to help him ‘figure out’ how to work certain apps? Did I mention Fitzgerald is also the so-called Minister of Science and Technology’?

Normally, such an admission would just be the premise for a good joke. You know, the way Millennials laugh at older people who can’t figure out iPhones, or Playstations, or (God forbid) how to sync Gmail contacts with new smartphones.

But this admission by the person who drafts policy affecting our perennially D-average student-body is mind-numbing.

That would be like having a Minister of Tourism who doesn’t know that Cuba has opened up. Or a Minister of Sports who doesn’t know who ‘Buddy’ Hield is. I mean, is it even possible?

It seems we are faced with either taking Fitzgerald at his word or considering the possibility that he is putting out another story (you know he likes telling stories) to cover his rear-end now that he has been caught in a cyber scandal.

After his reading the private emails of citizens aloud in the House of Assembly a few weeks ago, many are now asking how it is Fitzgerald got his hands on the emails in the first place. His response? He found them in his ‘political garbage can’.

Seriously?

What - pray tell - is a political garbage can? Is that the place where the careers of certain lousy politicians are tossed every five years when Bahamian voters smarten up?

His claimed technology ignorance notwithstanding, Fitzgerald refuses to elaborate on how the emails got into this unknown ‘garbage can’ in the first place.

I noticed that Fitzgerald and Foreign Minister Fred Mitchell put out a joint press release deflecting and denying the email grab is the result of anything illegal or nefarious. But the dumpster-diving duo have yet to state publicly how anyone in the Progressive Liberal Party got their hands on the emails legitimately.

To make matters worse, Minister Fitzgerald made references to who donated which amounts and who was paid what by whom. Yep, he basically ‘put all da people financial business in gub’ment road’. While also putting our financial services industry at risk in the process.

And just in case you thought the Minister could sink no lower just think again, my friend. Fitzgerald also had the nerve to talk about bringing in the FBI, the IRS and the US State Department to run investigations.

Imagine that. The same group that refused Delaware bankruptcy proceedings that could have saved Baha Mar on the basis of ‘sovereignty’ has no problem allowing the three biggest Federal law enforcement agencies in the world free range in The Bahamas just to settle a political score.

Because nothing says ‘sovereignty’ like calling Uncle Sam, relinquishing jurisdiction and allowing your own citizens and their bank records to be investigated by a foreign government right here on their own home soil.

I wonder, is it possible to have a Minister of Finance who doesn’t know where the VAT money went?

Is it possible to have a Minister for the Environment who acts oblivious to the toxic smoke constantly choking Nassauvians?

Is it possible to have a Minister of Foreign Affairs without a single diplomatic bone in his body?

Is it possible to have a Minister of Education who loves to play dumb?

Apparently so. Here’s hoping the public dumps them all in that so-called political garbage can come next election.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net