By Inigo ‘Naughty’ zenicazelaya

My, what a week it has been. Filled with some of my favourite forms of comedy - innuendo and irony.

Pull up a Chair

Justice of the Peace Rodney Moncur has officially thrown his hat in the ring to contest the open Free National Movement (FNM) chairman position left vacant by Michael Pintard’s resignation.

To some, Mr Moncur’s candidacy is ‘absurd’ or ‘a farce’ and perhaps even ‘jokey’. To me, it’s entertainment gold.

Can you even begin to imagine it? Can you imagine the millions of social media hours that will be logged as thousands of Bahamians click on, pore over, laugh at (then cringe at), and comment on a press release showdown between ‘Big Bad Brad’ and a ‘Chairman Moncur’?

Get ready to kick political correctness in the groin, my friend.

There’s something definitely happening in this country in the lead-up to the 2017 general elections when the man who has made the words ‘negro’ and ‘comrade’ part of his daily lexicon has a legitimate shot at becoming chairman of a major political party.

Mr Moncur has been a staple of Bahamian politics for decades. Anyone who has ever seen or met the man knows that Rodney’s mouth ‘don’t have no governor’. Being a radio host myself, from time to time I tune into Mr Moncur’s show and even I am amazed at the frankness with which he slams those he views as being in the wrong.

Speaking of views, Moncur is almost as famous for his off-the-wall political opinions on women, gender equality and immigration as he is for his well-documented activism. A favourite catchphrase of his is that women should ‘submit lovingly’ to their husbands. Which probably sounds like a no-brainer maxim to those still living in 1956.

However this is 2016, and despite Mr Moncur’s Bahamian political honesty and bona fides my guess is that these views as well as his vocal disapproval of FNM party leader Dr Hubert Minnis as of late means that the more subdued and safe Sidney Collie will prevail as chairman.

Granted, the FNM is in dire need of some fire (and firepower) but this is the season for a general, not a guerilla.

But allow me a moment to mourn what could have been. Can you even imagine the half-dead, rotting, scandal-ridden carcasses ‘Chairman Moncur’ would drag out his colossal political closet to hit back at PLP Chairman Bradley Roberts?

The Bahamas isn’t ready for that showdown. In fact, the world isn’t ready.

Take a leak

So, Minister of Education Jerome Fitzgerald is sticking to his stance in ‘email-gate’.

You would think that on the heels of being chastised by Data Protection Commissioner Sharmie Farrington-Austin, the public outcry, the legal warnings and the business community wagging their fingers at him, the Marathon MP would ‘slow his roll’. Instead, he has promised (practically guaranteed) that a category five hurricane of dirt and data is on its way for his opponents.

Fitzgerald has gotten himself into this hot water by reading the private emails of Save The Bays directors and members aloud in Parliament for all the world to hear. He won’t say who leaked the emails to him. All he will say is that somehow - some way - the emails made their way to his ‘political garbage can’.

From there, I suppose, Fitzgerald reached dirty hands into that garbage can and pulled out all sorts of private information relating to the environmental group. He then brazenly broadcast the members’ conversations and salaries.

Ironically, Mr Fitzgerald once spoke at a data symposium and lamented that “confidentiality seems to be non-existent regarding certain individuals and circumstances”. He said the Data Protection Act would ensure protection of “people’s fundamental rights and freedoms and in particular their right to privacy with respect to the processing and access of personal data”.

Well, so much for that.

The public can only wonder what trash will pile up in Fitzgerald’s garbage can over the next few months before he (likely) loses his seat in Marathon, and how much of that garbage will be tossed in the streets.

Do you think the world leaders and top financial minds that will attend the Inter-American Development Bank’s annual general meeting know that we have politicians publicising individuals’ financial details secretly obtained from private emails round these parts?

As sneakily as he no doubt got those emails, Fitzgerald now wants to hide behind ‘parliamentary privilege’ as his excuse for what he did. Then again, this is the same MP who kept his mouth shut on the Rubis oil spill in Marathon to ‘keep his Cabinet job’. When it comes to playing games, ‘hide and go seek’ is nothing new to him.

Sadly, it seems the same Progressive Liberal Party (PLP) that pulled a ‘backslide’ on gambling promises, crime promises, job promises and countless other broken promises is now content to sit back and watch as Fitzgerald tinkles on data protection promises.

None of his PLP colleagues has spoken out against his actions.

Today, Minister Fitzgerald is attacking an environmental group. Tomorrow, he might attack other Bahamians.

Today, Minister Fitzgerald is reaching into his ‘political garbage can’. Tomorrow, he might be reaching into his ‘political cesspit’.

Call it what it is

The expression ‘a rose by any other name’ came to mind this week as I listened to the public back and forth over Island Luck’s new TV station and ‘lottery’ game.

Minister of Tourism Obie Wilchcombe and the Gaming Board are under scrutiny in light of the webshop’s new gaming promotion which sees ‘3-balls’ drop every half hour.

To the average Joe, this is a lottery. In all honesty, it’s actually 32 ‘mini-lotteries’ all crammed into a tight 16-hour period. Why Minister Wilchcombe would say “it is not a lottery” is curious.

Let’s be clear, ‘numbers’ are not traditional games (unless you believe ‘dreaming’ or ‘sleeping in the graveyard’ are real skills.)

Chess, that’s a game. Monopoly, that’s a game. Chutes and Ladders, that’s a game. Politicians and Snakes, that’s a game! (We play it in my house all the time.)

Three balls or four balls ‘dropping’ - with the person who correctly matches the numbers receiving a cash prize - is a lottery. You can even drop five balls or six balls and guess what? It’s still a lottery.

I don’t know why everyone is ‘playing crazy’ with semantics. Go to Island Luck’s website and the first tab you see says ‘L-O-T-T-E-R-Y’. That’s because Cash 3, Play 4, Mega Bucks, Powerball or whatever you call it are all lotteries.

When asked about Island Luck’s new ‘product,’ Prime Minister Christie pulled the old ‘I een know nuttin’ bout dat’ move.

Of course he doesn’t.

I think the public is weary about Island Luck’s latest sleight of hand because after the gambling referendum - sorry, opinion poll - we were led to believe a local lottery (meaning we pull the numbers locally as opposed to using numbers pulled in the States) was not feasible.

But yet, here we are.

The question of legality and sensibility of dropping so many balls in so short a span with a population seemingly obsessed with (and addicted to) ‘numbers’ is the conversation we should be having.

The question of sustainability (imagine if all the ‘numbers houses’ started raining balls down all day?) is the conversation we should be having.

I remember when we used to call ‘numbers houses’ web cafes. Does anyone even call them that anymore? Does anyone ever go into these ‘web cafes’ just to purchase internet time? Or maybe a cup of coffee?

Only if it comes with a side of lottery, I guess.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net