By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House,

Not a creature was stirring, not even V Alfred the Louse,

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

With hopes that Fook’s money soon would be there,

Cabinet ministers and backbenchers were snug in their beds,

As visions of Baha Mar contracts danced in their heads,

Perry sat in the kitchen, with Sears on his lap,

Saying, ‘You round here begging fa convention? Mind Santa don’t gee you a slap!’

When out of the blue, there arose such a clatter,

Causing Theo to scream, and the Opposition to scatter,

Away to the window Doc flew like red flash,

Tore open the shutters and prepared to get dashed,

The moon peered down on Bahamaland below,

As Doc looked around wondering, ‘Hey, where did my caucus go?’

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

Six FNM MPs walking back in there,

Led by two plotters, so sneaky and slick,

(It’s safe to say Branetta would even sucker punch St Nick)

And quicker than Branville had carried his behind,

Loretta pulled out some candy and he soon fell in line,

‘Now Rollins! Now Chippie! On Grant! Theo! Dick!

Key you come too, since Doc making you sick!’

Meanwhile, across the land, there grew a great hush,

Til Big Bad Brad shouted, ‘Prepare the second Gold Rush!’

Jerome jumped up grinning,’Dis too easy, man!’

‘Ya mean ya tell me I’ne need to dive in my political garbage can?’

‘I had one li’l oil spill, an email scandal or two,

But thanks to Branetta, I looking brand new!’

Brave jumped up, smiling to himself

‘I guess I could put Toggie and Bobo back on the shelf’

Glenys sat up slowly, staring afar

Mumbling, ‘I wonder if they dey know I still een fix dat radar?’

V Alfred awoke in the corner, reciting his one Christmas wish,

‘Dear Santa, please lemme authorise the Chinese dem some fish’

Perry jumped up, his face looking bright,

The hair on his head suddenly black as night,

He started dancing and shuffling his feet,

‘Two straight, baby! I can’t be beat!’

I frowned when I saw this, and was filled with dread,

‘By the time we get new leaders we’ll all be dead!’

Senator Rodney ran in and grabbed Loretta’s hem

‘I’ne pussyfooting around, I come to save the woman dem!’

Doc spoke not a word, as he looked at Loretta,

Thinking, ‘Why I ever trust dis gal? I shoulda known better!’

He then sucked his teeth, looking sad and vex,

Saying, ‘Perry why you laughing? Dey een tell you you next?’

Loretta went to bed, Bran turned off his phone,

Thinking, ‘Once we win election, dis shady gal on her own!’

Merry Christmas everyone, and to all a good night,

When ‘17 come, make sure your soul right!

In the style of Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘A Visit From St Nicholas’

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net