By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

AFTER another week of glaring headlines, I’m beginning to think an opposition coalition would be a very bad idea. Sure, the Free National Movement, Democratic National Alliance, United Democratic Party and People’s Movement group have a million good reasons to join forces in an attempt to oust the ineffective Progressive Liberal Party government, but there’s one good reason they should all go their separate ways: Chaos.

All For One

Last year this time, if you asked five Bahamians what chance the Progressive Liberal Party had of winning the next general election six of them would have said none. After all, you can’t go against the people on a gambling referendum, waste the VAT money, watch over the highest murder rate in the history of a nation and cause Baha Mar to be “up on blocks” without serious repercussions right?

Wrong.

As much as it astounds me, there is indeed a chance the PLP will be returned to government because of this little clause in our democratic elections that says the party with the most seats wins. They don’t have to get a lot of votes, they don’t even have to get half of all votes cast; in 2012, the PLP formed the government having won only 49 per cent of the popular vote.

When the dust cleared, the Free National Movement had garnered 42 per cent of the vote while the Democratic National Alliance managed to peel away 8 per cent of the vote. 1 per cent went to the winds, by way of smaller parties and independents.

Why the history lesson? Well because history does indeed repeat itself, and 2017 is looking like a replay of history “on fleek.”

The past two weeks, various leaders of offshoot parties have slowly been making their way to microphones and television cameras to remind distraught Bahamians that there are alternatives to the uninspiring PLP. Unfortunately, after listening to group leaders like Greg Moss, Branville McCartney and John Bostwick, it’s painfully obvious that not only are the opposition forces in this country not on the same page, they’re not even reading the same book.

For its part, the Official Opposition Free National Movement continues to look feckless. After a convention that promised “unity” and brought chaos instead, we have since been treated to rounds of rumours of financial ruin and the very real fact of named candidates abandoning the SS FNM like rats scurrying from a sinking ship.

So far, sitting MPs Neko Grant, Theo Neilly and Andre Rollins have all indicated they will not seek re-election under an FNM banner. Then there are candidates like Lionel Sands and Howard Johnson who have removed their names from consideration before we could even consider them.

Surely something is wrong when a whole finance team packs up and skips out like Brent Symonette and company did this week. Surely something is very, very wrong when a card carrying regular member (who holds no official position within the organisation) writes up a resignation letter telling the party to kick rocks. Somehow, the letter made its way to Facebook and promptly went viral.

By any standard, it’s obvious the FNM will need to search for a lot of help to win the next general election.

If that help hinges on Bran Mccartney and the Democratic National Alliance, then they have found fool’s gold.

After meeting with the certain “private citizens” and “financial persons” that presumably included the leadership of the FNM, Mr. McCartney proceeded to broadcast to the press that the point of the meeting was to see if an alliance between the FNM and “other third parties” could be had.

In a word, “No.”

Why these private citizens and “financial persons” wasted their time is beyond me. It should be obvious to everyone by now that anytime Mr McCartney sees the light of the camera or hears his voice in stereo he can only do two things: promote Bran McCartney and bash anyone who isn’t a loyal DNA serf.

He reminded us that the FNM is a broke, broken, sinking ship. Which is probably true. But the smarmy and gloating way McCartney delivered the message is proof enough that any government coalition that included Minnis and McCartney working together would be doomed to failure.

Could a union between the DNA and United Democratic Party work, you ask? Again, it’s unlikely.

According to McCartney, UDP leader Greg Moss had the nerve to request that he be appointed leader of the DNA, “foregoing the party process.” And if there’s one thing we know about the DNA, it’s that there’s only room in that party for one man to forego the party process, and that one man is Bran McCartney.

For his part, Mr. Moss, appeared as a guest on Steve McKinney’s radio talk show Hard Copy last week and seemed to “diss” those “other groupings” like the fledgling Gatekeepers and People’s Movement who have recently formed and have gained momentum on the ground. On that front, he and McCartney agree as the DNA leader also took a potshot at “these other associations,” whom he doubts are a party.

Not to be outdone by anyone, Gatekeeper and People’s Movement member (as well as former FNM senator) John Bostwick wasted no time taking to the airways to remind Bahamians of just who Mr. McCartney was in his eyes: a lighthouse logo lifting, low down louse!

All this “friendly fire” in the public domain must be like manna from Heaven to the PLP. I can picture PLP Chairman Bradley Roberts quietly closing his laptop and leaning back in his chair with a big grin.

Why get in the fray, when the opposition is doing the work for you?

There is a real uneasiness in Bahamians now. Yes, the PLP is inept. Yes, they need to go. But if the FNM and other opposition forces cannot get it together to fight the PLP what would a country under a divided coalition government look like?

“It seems to be a lot of unfortunate circumstances surrounding (the FNM) and we have a maximum of eight months to campaign, that may not be enough time for them to get it together,” Bran McCartney said, missing the irony. “Greg Moss is Greg Moss...I don’t know if that is a party,” he said, playing the part of the pot attacking the kettle.

My sincere hope is that these parties can pick the best of the best from among them, turn their attention to the real business at hand, and consider the people before they completely destroy each other. Can they work together? Could they govern together?

We shall see. But if not, God help us all.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.