THE PRESS BOX: These Raging Bronsexuals!

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

BRONSEXUAL

  • definition:

Anybody who is a huge fan of LeBron James or has deep rooted ‘man crush’ or ‘bromance’ with LeBron James.

They become fans of any team LeBron James plays for, or jumps ship to.

These type of individuals think that LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Magic Johnson, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan etc. etc.

Despite having five (5) losses in the NBA FINALS, to go along with his impressive individual statistics. However, Bronsexuals feel the individual accolades are good enough reason to crown him the greatest of all time, the GOAT.

Not on my watch !

Bronsexual is a term used for a fan who has bandwaggoned LeBron so much, from game jerseys and sneakers to social media.

Consumed by their ‘King’, Lebron has become the basis of their sexuality and life.

A bronsexual is likely to tell you some of the most blasphemous things you will ever hear.

For example “LeBron James Is the G.O.A.T” or “Lebron is better than Michael Jordan” and any other insane, not even logical cow manure they can think of.

A bronsexual is literally the most annoying sports fan ever. (yes, even more annoying than Cowboy fans.) They will tell you LeBron is the greatest, but not really tell you why, or substantiate it with facts.

They prefer the ‘Trumpian’ alternate facts and fake news approach.

Then, whenever you remind them LeBron has lost in the finals more than he has won, they will blame his All-Star teammates instead of giving him any blame.

A bronsexual tends to bring up other players like Kobe to change the topic away from LeBron.

A bronsexual is literally in a full-fledged relationship with LeBron mentally, and they will defend their ‘bae’, with their life.

It’s quite sad honestly.

Most of the ‘millennial’ bronsexuals don’t even watch or care for the sport.

KNOWN

BRONSEXUAL

ENTITIES:

  1. Brian Windhorst of ESPN is the #1 Bronsexual in the universe since he worships LeBron James more than Libertarians worship Rand Paul.

2.92 per cent of Cleveland Cavaliers fans are bronsexuals since they did not follow the Cavs until LeBron’s arrival (before 2003) and between (2011-2014).

3.ESPN is the #1 Bronsexual Sports Media Outlet.

The motto is “The Worldwide leader in ‘jocking’ LeBron James.”

  1. Skip Bayless is a closet bronsexual.

SCHOOL IS

IN SESSION

I had to educate some low sports IQ bronsexuals in Hadji’s convenience store the other day.

The proprietor of Hadji’s, good friend and learned sports aficionado Frantz Watkins and I continued our conversation and he presented me with some powerful facts in regards to the tarnished legacy of LeBron James.

Bronsexuals have been known to create fake facts and stats to support the individual accomplishments of James, deflecting from his consistent failure on the biggest stage, pretty stats and all.

FOOD

FOR

THOUGHT

Here’s a few LeBron statistics for you bronsexuals to peruse and digest.

Maybe you will think before you post those ridiculous, senseless LeBron memes all over social media in your attempts to reward mediocrity.

LBJ FUN

FACTS FOR

BRONSEXUALS

• LeBron got swept in the final.

• LeBron has as many finals losses as Kobe has rings.

• LeBron lost back to back finals.

• LeBron never three-peated once, let alone twice in this weak era.

• Teams celebrated winning a title on LeBron’s home court on three different occasions. (’07, ‘11, ‘15)

• LeBron lost to a Dwight Howard Orlando Magic team with no superstars in six games.

• LeBron been the best player since 2008 according to LeBron fans but he couldn’t beat the Magic to meet Kobe in the finals.

• LeBron is so great that he had to leave his team and jump to another team with two franchise superstar players not role players, superstars.

• Jumped ship, joined two superstars and still lost to a team with one superstar and a bunch of role players past their primes.

• Jason Terry averaged more PPG’s in the ‘11 finals than LeBron.

• LeBron would’ve lost the 2013 finals if it wasn’t for Ray Allen’s shot.

• LeBron loses the finals in the following year by a record margin in 5 games.

• Lebron got cramps in San Antonio meanwhile Kobe and Jordan will play till they die basically.

• Lebron then jumps ship again, since he’s the goat and so great he bails on Miami and goes back to Cleveland, talk about loyalty.

• LeBron loses in the 2015 finals where he was in position to win when he was up 2-1 with game 4 in Cleveland with Kyrie being hurt, he had the chance to cement his goat status by going up 3-1 but couldn’t and lost those finals as well.

• Two years ago if Kyrie doesn’t hit the dagger three, Golden state wins.

• LeBron scored 11 points in the 4th quarter in the first 3 games of last year’s finals.

• On the biggest stage of them all, it doesn’t matter how many times you made it, all that matters is if you won it and LeBron’s finals record is:

2007 - L (Swept)

2011 - L (Lost in 6 games)

2012 - W (Won in 5

games)

2013*- W (Ray Allen’s

finals winning shot)

2014- L (Lost in 5 games)

2015- L (Lost in 6 games)

2016* - W (Kyrie’s finals winning shot)

2017- L (Lost in 5 games) goat?

• LeBron lost back to back finals.

• LeBron almost three-peated in the finals with losses.

Stop the comparisons with Michael when he’s got to catch Kobe first.

Kids and millennials, stats don’t tell the whole story in this watered down era of basketball, with no physicality and hand checking, that’s why rings will always factor into the equation, when determining the GOAT.

Until next week, go hard and go home.

• Naughty presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm, on KISS FM 96.1. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net