The murder of 15-year-old student Kenm Paul at Government High School last week was not the first tragedy of its kind. These incidents stir many emotions and lead us to wonder what is happening within the school and between students. While we know nothing excuses violence, we search for the cause. For some of us, the focus is on finding solutions. How do we stop violence in schools and, in particular, among boys and young men?

Over the years, we have heard from many parents that they warn their children about having friends. Kenm Paul’s parents both shared that they told him that friends cause trouble. Very few parents are not concerned about the company their children keep, passing judgment on their friends in an effort to keep their children safe and out of trouble.

One of the reasons schools exist, however, is to give children the opportunity to socialise and the skills to do so in appropriate ways. Unfortunately, it has been expected that this would just happen naturally, simply by being in the environment with rules, adults and other children.

Life lessons that could be integrated into existing lessons come at a high cost because we are forced to come by them without warning and with very little preparation. We are not putting enough attention on life skills such as communication and conflict resolution, and there is too much emphasis on punishment for infractions of all kinds.

There have been many calls for increased police presence at schools, but the expected result is unclear. We have, for far too long, been under the impression that police prevent crime. They do not. They enforce the law and investigate after a crime has occurred. In fact, police seem to prioritise property over people.

Many women have been turned away by police when reporting threats of violence, told to return when something actually happens — when it is too late.

Criminals note the presence of police, and largely plan around them.

Police are a deterrent to some, but have not been effective in preventing violence. Many officers themselves are violent, and people tell jokes about their violence. When police are observed chasing suspects, onlookers laugh and say they will beat the suspects for making them run. They get away with it and the general public is accepting because the attitude is that criminals and suspects alike deserve any bad treatment they get.

Our understanding of justice is both limited and troubling. Even so, emphasis is on what happens after a crime has occurred.

We need real prevention. Even police officers can tell you that young people join gangs for socio-economic reasons. To be able to walk through certain areas, to get to and from school safely, to be sure they can get something to eat, to feel like someone has their backs, and sometimes simply because they are forced to pick a side. Does this automatically make children enemies when they are found to belong to a different gang? Are all of the incidents reported to be gang-related truly gang-related, or is that just the easy answer?

If police contend that youth involvement in gangs is the cause of school violence, there needs to be a multi-sectoral approach to address the issues that lead to gang involvement. What routes are children taking to get to school? Where are the hot spots along the way? What needs do children have that are not being met by households or schools? How can community members step in to support young people? Which systems are inadequate or antiquated and need to be revised or replaced to meet the needs we have today?

One of the most important and obvious needs is safe, reliable transportation to schools. The public bus system is not sufficient. Children should have a separate transportation system that gets them closer to home and keeps them safe from predatory adults. We should have had this a long time ago for all schools.

In school, children need to be taught communication skills. Why do we use different tones and volumes when speaking with one another? How does one teacher speak when students are misbehaving in class, and how does another react? How do students respond to each of their styles? How does our style of speaking change when we are talking to toddlers as opposed to adults? What does it mean when someone is slouching in their seat, standing with their arms folded, or looking at the ceiling while speaking? When someone is both mistaken and upset, what is the best way to correct and calm them?

Children need to be given the tools to communicate effectively and to de-escalate when there is no one around to intervene. They need to know how their words and body language are being received and how to interpret communication from other people. They need to know how to end a conversation that is not going well and how to use “I” statements to own their thoughts and feelings rather than making accusatory statements.

Many of us learned these skills as adults and now use them without having to think about it. With practice, it becomes easy to communicate in respectful ways. Without this information, we unknowingly lead with ego which can cause us to succumb to the worst parts of ourselves. The desire to win can be a dangerous motivation. Children have to learn the importance of understanding and to see it as a goal far more worthy of their efforts than simply winning.

Kenm Paul’s father described him as a calm and caring person. He said his son wanted to be a good example to his friends. He shared what Kenm told him about mashed cans. He said they get put to the side, but nothing is actually wrong with the product itself.

It seems as though Kenm wanted to make a difference, not just by being a peacemaker, but by refusing to reject people because of what appeared to be wrong with them. Sometimes we write people off and say that they are lost, but when they are so young, it is our responsibility to guide them.

Children spend at least six hours at school and that is where they are learning to socialize and share space with other people. Life skills should not be left to chance, but included in the curriculum so they can be practised and improved on and off campus.

Schools need to be safe, healthy environments for learning and socialising, and police are not the missing ingredient. We need to address the root causes of gang affiliation and equip children with effective communication tools.

Recommendations

1. Revisit old favourites. Sometimes you want entertainment, but don’t have the capacity to learn about new characters, their backstories, and their desires. You just want to casually consume media with minimal effort. Maybe it has been a long day at work or you’re having mental health challenges. Try going back to the movies, television shows, books, and music you enjoyed 10 or 20 years ago. Take a trip down memory lane through media. The stakes are low because you already know, even if only vaguely, how it all turns out, and you can feel free to fall asleep or refill your beverage in the middle of it. For added fun, share it with a family member for friend who may or may not have been exposed to it before. See what they think and whether or not you still have the same opinion about it as you did way back then.

2. Set timers on your apps. While you may have slightly better control of your browser use, apps are designed to keep you in them. The infinite scroll — a non-stop flow of information that populates more and more as you scroll to the “end” — can look you in for far more time that you intend to spend in a particular app. One way to help control this is to set app timers. Most smartphones have this option in settings. It is probably a good idea to first check to see how much time you spend in each app. If your phone does not already provide this information, there are many apps you can download to collect this information. If you spend three hours on Instagram, it is probably not realistic to set the timer for 30 minutes. See what you can do to incrementally decrease the amount of time you spend on apps. It may also be helpful to decide where you will redirect the time you save.

3. Audiobooks. There is ongoing debate about whether or not listening to a book is considered reading a book. It is a ridiculous one because we all consume in different ways. For some, listening is the easiest if not the only way to read books. There are some books I definitely need in hardcopy, but it has been helpful to have audiobooks, for example, on long trips. If you have never done it before, give an audiobook a try while you are cooking, waiting in a long line, or on the treadmill. You may not think you have time to sit down and read the physical copy of a book, but there is always time to listen.