By DIANE PHILLIPS

On Sunday, millions around the world and thousands in The Bahamas will celebrate Father’s Day. It’s a Hallmark holiday that has become synonymous with all things male, despite the number of single mothers who play a dual role in the household.

What does the holiday really mean, or more importantly, what does being a father really mean? What the day is all about is simple. Dad gets a day off from chores, a break from routine, maybe pancakes or homemade fire engine or boil fish. Maybe he gets to watch sports and drink beer without anyone fussing at him. That’s all small stuff, a once-a-year have-it-your-way phenomenon that he sucks up like a man parched by the sun and wind.

But let’s say we all took Father’s Day seriously, for a change, this day when we honour the concept of good fathering. Instead of chips and yelps and beer giving Dad his due day off, let’s stop to think what being a good father really means.

In simplest terms, the good father may not be the best dressed. He may not be the richest or drive the fanciest car. He may not even be the best softball player. He may never have gone to college or been good at basketball or even know how to fix a clogged sink. What the best father knows is his child.

The best father is the father who is there.

He is the father who understands what a child is going through, what matters to them, how they feel. Is he being bullied? Is she suffering from a broken heart because her first boyfriend broke up with her? Is he feeling ashamed because he thinks all the other boys are having sex and no one is interested in him? Does she think she is too fat or too thin or not pretty enough? Does he think you are proud of him? Does she think you understand her? Do they feel loved?

Caribbean fatherhood culture

Blame it on the weather that keeps families outside instead of in the cosy confines of a living room or the heritage or whatever reason suits you but here’s the reality. Excuses or not, the truth is there is a Caribbean (and I use that loosely to include The Bahamas for cultural, not geographical purposes, there is a Caribbean culture of fatherhood as meaning provider.

“I give you a roof over your head, what more do you want from me? I put food on the table. I work hard.”

We cannot argue. We take a deep breath, acknowledging we are grateful for that roof over our head, even if we could provide it ourselves.

But that roof is no substitute for being present. The distracted dad who is so busy providing he forgets to get to know his children, to be part of their lives on a daily basis, is all too common. The saddest part is that it is all too readily accepted as the norm.

Being a good provider is not the same as being a good father.

A good father is the father who can answer the following questions. See how you measure up.

For fathers with children in primary school or younger:

1. What is your son or daughter’s favourite food?

2. What is your son or daughter’s favourite game?

3. Who is your child’s favourite teacher?

4. Who is your child’s best friend?

5. What is your son or daughter most afraid of?

6. What time does your son or daughter go to bed?

7. Is he or she afraid of the dark?

8. Is your son or daughter struggling with anything emotionally?

9. If your child could spend time doing anything they wanted, what would it be?

10. Is your son or daughter the victim of bullying?

11. When is the last time you tucked your son or daughter into bed, read to them or kissed them goodnight?

For fathers with older children:

12. Who is your son or daughter’s best friend?

13. What does your son or daughter worry about most?

14. When is the last time you spent more than one hour with your son or daughter, talking, working out, walking, having a meal and talking or just hanging out together?

15. Name two movies your son or daughter has watched whether on TV or at a theatre.

16. What is your son or daughter’s best subject in school?

17. Worst subject?

18. What would you do if your son or daughter were being bullied at school?

19. Does your son or daughter confide in you or seek your opinion about their love life?

20. What is your son or daughter’s favourite hobby?

21. Would you describe your daughter as introvert or extrovert, shy or self-confident?

22. Based on their last report card, is your son or daughter an A, B, C, or D student?

I am not a researcher and certainly not a shrink. I just made up the little quiz thinking about what it takes to really be present and what you would know about your child if you were.

I wonder if my own father would have been able to answer 60 or 70 percent of those questions at any age. I had a father whose company I wanted more of. He died a very long time ago and I never had a chance to tell him I needed more of him. When I was very young, he was very busy “providing”. But the moments I spent with him, my little hand tucked into his big, strong hand on our after-dinner walks when I was still in second and third grade were the moments I shall always treasure. I did not care that he was a good provider. I cared that he was there, and we had our time together. He would puff on his one cigar of the day on those walks on the avenue near our house and just before our walk would end, we would get ice cream cones. That was the best ice cream of my life because it was with my dad. That’s what I would remember. I would remember that he was there for me.

My husband was there for our daughter. Together, they built a fibreglass boat for the lake. He taught her to fish, how to sail and predict what the wind would do to the waves, how to use tools and how to paint like an artist. Now I look at her husband and see my son-in-law and how fortunate their child is to have a father who is there constantly, on the drive to school, in the afternoon in the street after school lets out, on the weekends.

I see a great father because he is there.

It doesn’t hurt if Dad can also fix a clogged sink or hang shelving, but he does not have to have the newest toys on the block to be a great dad. It doesn’t take money or fancy cars or riches to be a great father.

The best dad is the dad who is there.