By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

BACK in the nineties, former Prime Minister Hubert Ingraham gave us one of those great, immortal Bahamian political quotes: “I say what I mean, and I mean what I say!”

At the time, some lauded his openness and honesty while others used his words to add another check mark to the ‘Hubigetty’ narrative that became quite popular.

Fast forward a couple decades later; we now see that finding a politician ‘cut from the same cloth’ as ‘Hubigetty’ is like finding Dory.

Fuzzy math

After the very expensive-looking convention put on by the governing Progressive Liberal Party (PLP) last week, the main question on everyone’s mind after the event was ‘Where da VAT money gone?’

After a good two years of ducking questions from the media on how the people’s billion dollars (and counting) has been accounted for, it was surprising that the Minister of State for Finance, Michael Halkitis, was the foil who brought the never ending VAT saga back to centre stage.

During his convention speech, the PLP’s supposed financial wunderkind got on stage and started rattling off what seemed a laundry list of items that VAT had paid for; boats, planes, trains, automobiles, snow mobiles, mobile phones, health insurance, life insurance, hospitals, schools and tools (U Name It!) were all included.

By my count, the only things left off were weaves, numbers and libations. Though (to be fair) Prime Minister Christie has ordered a full report on VAT spending with “graphs” be dispersed to every “nook and cranny”. So don’t be surprised if you have your government to thank for all those champagne bottles you were’ poppin’ last year.

Because a billion dollars went somewhere, right?

We know that it didn’t actually buy Defence Force boats or Bahamasair planes. We know this because, when cornered on a local talk show and asked whether the government had actually borrowed money for those expenditures, Halkitis admitted that they had. He also admitted that money for National Health Insurance had only been earmarked so far.

And those ‘schools’ he spoke of in his provocative convention speech? We will see them soon, according to Halkitis, who obviously now wants us to believe that at any moment concrete and steel buildings will miraculously spring into existence from the strength of his magical mind alone.

Speaking of magic, after Halkitis (and by extension the Christie administration) got called-out yet again for their fuzzy math by (ready to fight) opposing MPs Peter Turnquest and Andre Rollins, Minister of (mis)Education Jerome Fitzgerald stood in Parliament and tried to throw a drowning Halkitis a lifeline.

Fitzgerald, it seems, is the PLP’s go-to guy for spewing the most ridiculous ‘alternative facts’. Not that I blame the party for using an otherwise useless ‘Education’ minister for the nasty job of spinning every concocted PLP narrative. For one thing, he’s used to getting his hands dirty digging in ‘political garbage cans’ and all.

Secondly, those D grades aren’t going anywhere under his watch. So why not use Fitzgerald to ‘manage’ everything from the Baha Mar deal to drafting the Freedom of Information Act to defending every scandal-caught minister in Parliament? Jeromey-the Homie has made it painfully clear keeping his cushy Cabinet job is his top priority.

What we didn’t know, however, is Fitzgerald is apparently not very good with numbers. (I would say he is as bad as a first grader when it comes to math but I have a son who’s a first grader and he can actually count.)

The Minister of Education stood in the House of Assembly and claimed that $692m collected in VAT accounted for 25 per cent of government revenue. Except, as Fort Charlotte MP Andre Rollins rightfully pointed out, that would mean the government revenue was in excess of $2 billion and we should be operating at a surplus. Since we are not, Fuzzy Math Fitzgerald quickly ‘change up his talks’ and said his numbers only referred to projections.

Except, nobody asked the government ‘Where da ‘projected’ VAT money gone?’ What we want to know is where the actual VAT money went.

Don’t ‘play forget’ that after taxing everything from toilet tissue to townhomes over one billion real dollars (and counting) were collected.

The real travesty is that, in this ‘post-truth’ political era we find ourselves in, getting a straight answer out of the Prime Minister or Halkitis or Fitzgerald is like ‘pulling teet’ out of a shark’s mouth.

On the radio talk show, Halkitis finally admitted that all of the money went into the menacing black hole known as the Consolidated Fund. Which is to say there’s no way ‘on God’s green eart’ to know precisely how the VAT money was spent. So don’t hold your breath for the Prime Minister’s ‘graphs.’ In the words of our eloquent Minister of Education, “this ain’t no rocket science”.

Minister Halkitis also admitted that (unlike what we were led to believe) VAT money is not being used mainly to pay down the country’s debt. And he finally came clean that his little speech at the PLP convention was mainly written (and delivered) with a PLP audience in mind.

Now, I’m not calling the average PLP supporter undereducated ... but it sure sounds like Halkitis the Genius just did.

Former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli is credited for a quote made popular by Mark Twain that goes “There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics ...”

I don’t know about you, but a week of being fed weak ‘alternative facts’ from D average politicians sure makes me long for just one who is able to say what they mean, and mean what they say.

V is for Vile

In the run-up to the 2012 general election, the PLP erected billboards across major roundabouts in Nassau blasting the horrific and high murder count numbers for all and tourists to see.

Back then, the PLP defended those controversial billboards and insulated their brazenly despicable political ploy by wrapping it in a blanket of concern for their fellow countrymen.

According to the PLP, the Free National Movement had failed the fallen 490 murdered during their term in office from 2007-2012. According to the PLP, they would fix the crime problem and reduce the murder count.

Now here we are, five years later with a new murder record under that very same PLP (586 and counting up to last night). Tricky position to be in with a general election right on the horizon, so what do they do?

Instead of admitting that erecting the billboards was an ill-thought out, reckless act, Minister of Agriculture V Alfred Gray instead confesses, “Mr Speaker, during election campaigns people who want to get into power say things that, when you analyse it later, sometimes you say, ‘Well, it was only politics’.”

That’s one of the first truthful admissions I have heard from Minister Gray in years.

Still, you have to question the morals of any politician (and even a whole party) that brags after the fact that “some of them change their phone numbers” after they get votes from their constituents like a unrepentant playboy brags about dumping conquests after he gets what he wants.

I’m sure the families of all the murder victims back then and the hundreds that have been added to the rolls since hoped the PLP would have been true to its word. We all hoped Christie, Davis and company knew what the hell to do about crime.

Turns out, all the promises were (as I suspected back then) “only politics”.

I don’t know what’s more vile, the billboards themselves or digging up the memories of the departed just to bury the notion of ever living up to a campaign con for once and for all.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net